Falling into depression
With time moving I feel I become less happy every day. even after promising myself that I will not be a boring adult I see myself going that way and can do nothing about it.
As a kid, I was happy, very happy. I wake up in the morning excited about what will happen today. I smiled for the simplest reasons and felt like I am in heaven for the smallest things.
as a high school student, I will do what I like while keeping up with my study. enjoying every day to the fullest was my goal. it was my happiest days ever. at that time I would call my self-complex but for now, I see it as a very simple life.
dispute that the pressure I was under in high school was greater than the pressure that surrounds me now but I can't fight it anymore.
in the past years after high school, I finally found my dream. the dream I was searching for most of my life has become my nightmare, “ what if I killed someone in my way to save others? what if I caused hurt to others? did I choose the right path? am I capable enough to be a doctor? “
my life has become a battle against this questions, some times I am like “ I can’t take it anymore, I will quit “ others times I am like: ”if I studied hard I won’t hurt anyone, I can do it“.
this question is putting a lot of pressure on me then what if I added that my grades is getting worst and I have a hard time following with my lectures.
my time with the things I like become less and less, but less than half of that time I don’t enjoy anymore go to study. the rest goes to waste in small take that I hate in a try to be a more social person or in just doing nothing.
I am always exhausted and tired even thought I didn’t start studying or dong anything useful, most of my days just pass by , in other days I study all day to make up for the wasted days but without progress or the progress I make is not enough to cope with the amount I have to study .
Every day is a hell I chose to live in. my dream becomes my greatest fear. I think I am falling into depression. am I?
Let’s not lie, not every things is bad, there is good things happening from time to time and I feel happy when I do what I like but that only last for a few hours or minutes before I feel the need to eturn to my study, to study harder or I start to think about my scary future .
I wrote this because I wanted to take this feeling out of my heart , although they will return with time but for now, I can rest and take a small break , after all, I can never give up my dream .
Have a nice day
